


Maru's Deep Thoughts

by Kitkattu



Category: Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Angst, Other, i just typed and it appeared, idk - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 06:56:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12929925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitkattu/pseuds/Kitkattu
Summary: Hanamaru has these thoughts from time to time. She knows that it's silly to be so fearful over them, but they just swallow up her mind...





	Maru's Deep Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Just kind of a vent fic that got longer than I thought it would be. If only I could type my other fics this fast lol

Hanamaru had never been one to reveal her deepest emotions. She’d be sad or lonely, or she could get angry, and she was able to tell people about all of the small things in life that upset her. Just little details like her getting sad favorite author getting sick or their book release being delayed, getting strawberry stains on her favorite dress peeving her a bit, complaining that all of these negative reviews on books or on Love Live to the other girls in the clubroom were way off base. Sometimes they were more personal, like when she got annoyed at Yoshiko for being a bit too extreme with her fallen angel persona, or the complaining she did with Ruby after practice about how she felt like she could die from all of the exercise, or getting mad with Riko when Chika didn’t have any song ideas written down while Maru had a page full of jotted thoughts.

They were small things. Normal, everyday things that everyone could relate to and didn’t need to really think over or comfort the first year about. It was all just normal complaints made in normal fun of her extremely not normal company.

The thoughts that scared her; the thoughts that made her chest and throat tighten, and that she vowed she’d never tell a soul, even if those thoughts sometimes wrecked her; made her feel weak or confused or like she was dying inside --- Her deepest thoughts and fears would never come out.

The only exception came when she join Aqours. The wall she had built from scratch against school idols was for Ruby’s sake, knowing her best friend’s dream had come true and thinking that she was no longer needed. That cute pinkette she called her bestie and cutie pie grew up so fast; she was able to stand up and pursue her dream, and Hanamaru couldn’t have been happier for her. But deep down, when she felt like her one line and bow to Dia at the bottom of those stairs was the last time she’d be involved with both school idols and the Kurosawa family, a pit of emptiness formed in her heart. One that a book couldn’t fill, no matter how hard she tried to convince herself it would. It had been a sleepless night and such a routine, bland morning, going to her world of books that made her feel safe and happy feeling like such a forced journey, looking over that anniversary magazine and that beautiful picture of Rin Hoshizora, swearing that world away forever even though her heart told her not to ---

It was such a newly built-up wall, that it was easy for Ruby to break down with the second years’ help. Maru hadn’t had enough time to fill in any cracks or make it structurally sound. She still wanted to be friends with Ruby, and she found a newfound love in Aqours, and those weren’t things that could be numb or easily forgotten in a day. The wall fell down and filled the pit in her heart, and she had never felt happier when she could forget about it all. She was still there to support Ruby, and now she was using up more energy, but for something she loved and started to treasure.  


But new thoughts began to surface and eat away at her mind.

They were silly thoughts. She knew they weren’t real; they were thoughts cultivated by old fears that she had thought she had weeded out of her mind. But perhaps they were like dandelions, spreading around and just sprouting up, multiplying, infesting her mind. It scared her to no end to think that they’d never go away, but she felt she also came to terms with just laying in that field of dandelions.

She could at least retreat away from them in her books.

It was what she was doing right now, sitting in her and reading an old favorite, trying to put her thoughts at bay. A scented candle and glittering moon being her lights, sipping a cup of her grandmother’s famous green tea, eating some tasty cookies she made from scratch --- The perfect spot of relaxation. Exactly what she needed after what felt like a long day filled with empty worries.

The main good thing about books nowadays was that they pushed away those specific thoughts...At least for a moment. But the they would resurface and she’d be like how she was now, staring off into the distance while gripping her book, darkness starting to flood her mind and the happy, fantastical words on old smelling pages getting lost, or fading away, just disappearing...

This would all disappear eventually. She’d be right back where she was before. Nothing was permanent. Not friendships, not groups, nothing.

Were those things even hers; did she even have a group? Any friends? Any other people to call family besides her blood relatives?

She loved Aqours more than anything, and she cared about all of the people in it, but she was starting to feel more and more distant from the rest of them. She already wasn’t the best physically in the group, and she certainly wasn’t the prettiest or cutest, feeling that she burdened everyone and their image with those factors. But those thoughts shielded the bigger ones; those were the fears she threw out if people were noticing something was actually wrong and were insistent on knowing reasons and details. They were insecurities and fears she had, but she wasn’t usually thinking about them at the end of the day unless it was for a specific purpose.

Her biggest insecurity was the thought about being without all of the others. Her friendships and connections meant the world to her now more than ever. She wasn’t alone in her world of books anymore; she was experiencing this whole new world that she’d never be able to just sitting alone in the school library, and she was alongside all of these fantastic girls, including her best friends.

Her best friends. She called them that; Ruby and Yoshiko were her best friends. Everyone else were her friends too, and Leah and Sarah recently joined that mix. They were her friends. People she cared about. People she loved.

Why was it so hard sometimes, then, to imagine them loving her back?

The thought instantly made her feel tense, but she didn’t lunge at her green tea to swallow the problem; to put it in the pit of her gut until it just flowed right back up again.

They loved her now. She at least had to believe that they loved her now.

But what about later?

The Love Live finals were almost upon them, and if they won they might get lucky enough to be like u’s and travel to somewhere grand to promote the competition; maybe even perform for the beginning of the next year. But after that, the third years would have left. Not very far; Dia was still the heir to the Kurosawa family name, and Kanan still had the diving shop. Mari would probably take over her father’s hotel here just to be close to her best friends, and then they would all probably go to the same cram school and the same university...But after that, who knows. Mari might become CEO one day; no, she would, Hanamaru felt that Mari would be her father’s heir. Dia would be so busy with her own family matters too, learning more and more about what the Kurosawas did business-wise and probably being as flooded with work as she was now in student council papers. And Kanan might want to help her family out more, expanding their business and helping with all of the diving shops needs outside of trainings and classes and excursions.

Everyone else might want to still be school idols, but it would just...Crumble. There would be no purpose to be school idols anymore; no motivation; no drive. Uranohoshi would merge with the bigger school in Numazu, and without the third years; without the original Aqours, it just wouldn’t be the same. The second years might want to try and raise up a new group just for fun, and Hanamaru knew that Ruby would at least enjoy the idea. But there might be a different group there. They could always merge with them, but still…

The second years would become third years, and the cycle would repeat itself. A ticking clock towards their graduation would start, and they’d be busy with finding careers for themselves or nice universities or at least pinpointing the next future point in their life that they could grow upon. If they all got their dreams, then Riko would stay a pianist, You would find something with swim and dive, and Chika would be...Whatever she wanted to be.

A newfound fear over her leader’s future trickled into her mind, but that one was quickly shaken off. Chika was a smart girl, and she has certainly grown to be a fine leader. Maybe she’d just be that; a leader of whatever she wanted to be a part of, and she would certainly make a difference in whatever field she chose. The thought of that calmed her a bit...Until the cycle repeated again: Graduation, cram school, university, career. Then the second years would be very long gone, off doing their own things God knows where.

And then the first years would become third years too, and the cycle would repeat again. Ruby would become some famous up-and-coming idol and charm everyone with her smile. Yoshiko could certainly start to make money off of her fallen angel videos, or lend her voice to some voice acting work in animes or video games, and charm everyone with her voice. And Hanamaru would become a writer, taking over the temple or maybe moving into an apartment where she could work on novels, and people would be charmed by her words. But before that it was graduation, cram school, university…

And all of them would be seperated. And Maru swore that no one would care to call.

They would all be out there, worrying about their own lives, not needing or wanting to contact one another. Sure, they all might set up a few things here and there, maybe a reunion every year or something. But not everyone would be able to make it, and people would forget after a year or two, and the effort might not be worth it in the end.

Hanamaru Kunikida would be the first one that they’d forget about. Yoshiko and Ruby might remind everyone of her for a year or two, but she’d become a distant memory to even them eventually. They might think of her at least, or just never at all, never again; who would even want to remember her?

What was there to remember? What had she really done to deserve remembering? She convinced Ruby to follow her heart, she helped with letting Yoshiko be herself, she wrote some lyrics occasionally, she provided some comedic relief...What else was there to her? At most, she was just the best friend and a girl that could get a laugh occasionally. At least...She was just there. Nothing special. Nothing to remember. Everyone else contributed so much more; everyone else was so full of life and personality; everyone else was pretty and amazing and worth so much more ---

What was she even around for? Did they just stay friends with her out of necessity of not wanting to be one member short? Or was it simply out of pity?

She could understand that. Mari and Kanan were sweet girls who had been hurt by broken friendships before, so they would understand and not want to hurt her. Dia was Ruby’s older sister, and she wouldn’t want to cut ties with her and make thing awkward or upset her sister at all. The second years invited her into Aqours in the first place because Ruby wanted her to join; the needed more members and they didn’t want to see their newest one looking upset. Yoshiko had cut ties with her before, having not seen her since elementary school, but she wanted to make friends, and Maru was just there in the right place at the right time, and it escalated from there. It could even be said for Ruby, when they met each other in middle school, that she just felt bad for the girl stuck in her world of books, saying that she’d be her friend out of the kindness in her heart.

They were all so kind. So sweet.

But they would all still hurt her in the end. They would unclog the pit in her heart and even tear it up; stab a few more wounds; shoot a few more holes. They were all just kind and sweet to her out of pity, but she’ll be just as easily thrown out of their minds when the time came. They wouldn’t love her anymore; they wouldn’t care about her anymore; they never did in the first place; it was all just an act for the lonely girl ---

Tears were pricking the corner of her eyes when she finally went for the tea, closing her novel abruptly and not caring that she folded a few of the pages and that one now had a small tear, chugging the soothing drink and then gasping for air as she slammed it back down on her nightstand. It took her briefly away from the thoughts, but not from the pain they left behind. Her chest still felt so tight that she swore she couldn’t breathe, she was trembling like she would as a child when she heard a scary sound, and her heart just felt so empty and numb. The residual always stayed behind. She never knew when the feeling would truly go away. All the thoughts always snowballed into a great big avalanche that suddenly just crashed; the dandelion becoming a small army and burying her, spreading as far as the eye could see, choking her, suffocating her with fear ---

_“Hanamaru? Are you okay, sweetheart?”_

She jumped at her grandma’s voice calling for her downstairs, but then forced herself to relax, to try and breathe… “Yes grandmother!” In perfect clarity, barely a stressed tone in her voice. She knew she’d have to go downstairs to soothe the woman’s heart though; gods know what she thought that slamming was all about. Maru would probably lie again about it, and a nice one had already popped into her head as she looked over her novel, frowning as she tried to smooth out the folded pages, being delicate around the tear before closing it again. Then she grabbed her tea cup and gave herself a quick glance in the mirror, trying to steady her breathing and let the tea flow through her as she walked out of her room. Silly thoughts; they were just silly thoughts...


End file.
